You, Me and Stewie
by JStormTrooper
Summary: After suffering a long time of being lonely, Brian trys to win back Jillian with Stewie's aid. Meanwhile Peter and Quagmire try to sneak in to a dirty movie.  The title is based off of the movie "You, Me and Dupree"
1. Chapter 1

[You, Me and Stewie]

*scene cuts to the Griffin's house*

(Brian is sitting on the Lois and Peter's bed)

T.V. Announcer: We now return to Mob Story.

*Cuts to a movie scene*

We now return to the Discovery channel special: Italians

Camera Man: The Italian is a loud creature which has thick hair and usually enjoys sauce with all of his food.

(An Italian guy enters a restaurant. And a fatter Italian guy stands up)

Italian guy: Hey, hey, oh!

Italian guy #2: Hey pizzan! Hey, oh!

(They start kissing each other on cheek rapidly)

Camera Man: This is how the Italian man communicates.

*cuts back to Brian on the couch*

(Stewie walks up to him)

Stewie: Hey, whatcha doing buddy?

Brian: Nothing much, just waiting for my date to arrive.

Stewie: You douche, you made her come here?

Brian: Listen Stewie, I don't want you meeting her. I don't want a repeat of the last time I brought a girl over the house.

*scene cuts to Brian, Stewie and an attractive looking girl sitting on the Griffins couch*

(Stewie turns to the girl)

Stewie: So...have you ever farted during sex?

(Brian slaps Stewie in the face. Stewie falls off of the couch)

*scene cuts back to Brian and Stewie sitting on the bed*

(The doorbell rings)

(Stewie puts a grin on his face)

(Stewie runs to answer the door, pushing Brian)

(Brian runs down the stairs and trips Stewie)

(Brian falls down the steps, together they fall down to the foot of the staircase)

(Brian runs and opens the door)

(A long, loud fart is heard)

(Stewie stares wide-eyed)

Stewie: No way!

(Peter walks in the door)

Stewie: Oh.

Peter: Hey Brian!

Brian: Hey Peter, aren't you suppose to be at work?

Peter: No Brian, with my new promotion I get an extra day off!

Brian: Oh wow, that's great Peter, what do you plan on doing today.

Peter: I'm going to see a movie with Quagmire.

Brian: What happened to Joe!

Peter: They don't have ramps at the movie theatre.

Brian: You're lucky to have an extra day off, not many people get that luxury.

Peter: I know I haven't been this excited since I saw Snakes on a Plane!

*Scene cuts to Peter sitting in the movie theatre*

(On the theatre screen Serpentor from GI Joe is sitting down)

(A flight attendant walks up to him)

Flight Attendant: Do you need anything sir?

Serpentor: Yes, a pillow and a blanket please.

*scene cuts to Stewie and Brian on the living room couch*

(Stewie checks his watch)

(Long silence)

(Stewie checks his watch again)

Stewie: So...you got stood up again?

(Brian sighed quickly and hung his head)

Stewie: Oh come on Brian, this isn't the first time somebody didn't get what they wanted.

*scene cuts to Stewie watching a TV*

TV announcer: Coming October 14th, the Star Wars trilogy in 3D!

Peter: Oh my god, oh my god, yes!

TV announcer: Yes, the classic prequel trilogy, but this time 30 more minutes of random CG shots.

*scene cuts to the TV screen which shows several scenes with ships fly at the screen*

*scene cuts back to Peter*

(Peter throws a fit and pushes the TV, breaking it)

*scene cuts back to Stewie and Brian*

Brian: I just give up Stewie, there's nobody out there for me.

Stewie: Hey, hey, don't say that, you never know, maybe all of the sick girls who would even think of doing it with a dog are already taken.

(Brian looks at Stewie and lowers his voice)

Brian: Thanks.

Stewie: Well, I know where we could get a sick girl that would want to have sex with a dog.


	2. Chapter 2

*scene cuts to the front of the Fuzzy Clam*

(Brian and Stewie walk up to the door)

Brian: Stewie, are you sure that you can get in?

Stewie: Please, what are they going to say?

(Brian walks in)

(Gandalf stops Stewie)

Gandalf: You shall not pass!

Stewie: What, why?

Gandalf: You shall not pass.

Stewie: I'm a midget?

Gandalf: You shall not pass.

Stewie: I have a disease that stuns my growth?

Gandalf: You shall not pass.

Stewie: I'm...a...I'm Bo Derek.

Gandalf: You shall...really...oh my god, Bo Derek! Can you sign my robes?

*scene cuts to Stewie and Brian in the strip club*

Brian: I feel weird trying to pick up a relationship at a strip club.

Stewie: Oh please.

(Stewie spots Jillian, Brian's old girlfriend, serving drinks)

Stewie: Is that?

Brian: Jillian?

(Brian runs up to Jillian)

Brian: Hi Jillian!

Jillian: Brian! What's up?

Brian: Nothing new, what are you doing here.

Jillian: Well after Derek died, I couldn't afford living in our house anymore. With my parents dead, I had nobody to turn to, so this is how I afford my next meal.

Brian: Jillian? I'm sorry.

Jillian: It's ok Brian, I don't really mind.

(Jillian coughs up blood)

Brian: Jillian, I'm not leaving you here, you're coming with me. Come on Stewie!

(Stewie is sitting with a table of 3 gay guys)

Gay guy #1: I have framed photos of my pets in my house.

Gay guy #2: I adore Judy Garland.

Gay guy #3: I know every line in the "Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Stewie: I watch Mtv.

Gay guy #2: Oh you win! You're the gayest guy in the club!

(Stewie flails his arms)

Stewie (in a higher pitched voice): Go me!

(Brian grabs Stewie's hand)

Brian: Come on Stewie!

*scene cut to a multi-layered parking lot*

(Peter and Quagmire steps out of Peter's car)

Quagmire: Hey Peter, you look a little stressed, are you alright?

Peter: Yeah, I'm fine. I just had a revelation last night.

*scene cuts to Peter getting into bed*

Peter: Wait! ...I've never laughed at a Mickey Mouse cartoon.

(Peter and Quagmire walk up to the ticket booth)

Quagmire: Two tickets to Double Dees.

Ticket Salesman: That movie is rated NC-17. Can I see you I.D. sir?

Quagmire: What the hell, me and friend are well of age for this movie.

Ticket Salesman: I just want to make sure with an I.D.

(Quagmire searches through his pockets)

Quagmire: Oh crap...

Peter: What?

Quagmire: Peter, do you have your license

Peter: No, I left it at home, I thought we were going to the clam and I...well to tell you the truth I didn't want to pay.

Quagmire: Oh, you dick.

(Quagmire turns to the ticket salesman again)

Quagmire: Let me have two tickets to the uh...Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

(Quagmire turns to Peter)

Quagmire: Well it sounds sexy.

(Quagmire and Peter walk in. They stand by the concession stand and at the front of the line a black lady is ordering.)

Black Lady: I want y'all to get me a popcorn and a soda and you know what, I want a...lemme see...wait never mind I want a cheeseburger...wait no...

(Bruce is behind the counter)

Bruce: Excuse me miss but y'all gotta get off the line I gots lots of customers to help out here.

Black Lady: Are you dissing me. Hold on a minute, I'm get you.

(The black lady starts taking off her ear piercings, lip piercing, belly button piercing and eye lid piercing.)

(On the line behind her is Adam West)

Adam West: I'm missing my Flash Gordon, and when I miss my Flash Gordon I get a little testy.

(Adam punches a kid in the face)

Adam: I warned you.

Bruce: Ohhhh nooooo! I'm gonna have to get some help over here!

Peter: Hey Quagmire, maybe if we help Bruce out, he'll return the favor and let us see that dirty movie.

Quagmire: Peter we could just sneak in.

Peter: Well I couldn't do that, I'd feel kinda guilty.

Quagmire: You were going to leave me with paying for the drinks at the Clam with a clear mind, but sneaking in to a movie is the thing that makes you guilty?

Peter: Yeah, and.

Quagmire: Just forget it, let's help him.

(Peter and Quagmire run behind the counter)

Peter: Everyone break off into three lines, repeat we now have three lines open.

Bruce: Oh heyyyy guy! Thanks for helping. Ya'll too kind to me.

(Herbert and a little kid walk up to Peter's part of the counter)

Herbert: Uh yeah, can we have some skittles and some vodka?

Peter: Hey Herbert! Oh is this your grandson?

Herbert: Uh...yeah...say hello Timmy.

(The boy stays quiet. Herbert's tone depends)

Herbert: We're having a good time...right Timmy?

(The boy starts tearing up and stays quiet)

Herbert: Timmy, you better say your damn name to this nice man or its one more night in the secret cave. I'll kill you Mikey...

Boy: Hi, my names Timmy.

Herbert: Good.


	3. Chapter 3

*scene cuts to Stewie and Brian sitting at the kitchen*

Stewie: So how's Jillian doing?

Brian: She's alright. I brought her home last night to make sure she was ok.

Stewie: You had sex though, right?

Brian: No, her husband died and she's not well right now. Why would I want to have sex with her, we're really good friends.

Stewie: Brian, you love her. It's more obvious than one of those douche bags from the Jersey Shore at a dinner party.

*scene cuts to Stewie and a room full of people in suits*

Man #1: Isn't the champagne good?

Stewie: Yes, delectable.

(In the middle of the room a tan guy with spiked hair starts fist pumping)

Jersey Guy: Woooooo, yeaahhhh champagne! Yeaaahhhh champagne!

*scene cuts back to Brian and Stewie in the kitchen*

(Brian sighs)

Brian: I know, but I don't know what to do about it.

Stewie: Well, when she starts warming up to you, then make your move.

Brian: I am truly in love with her Stewie. I want to share every moment of my life with her, I want her good times to be my good times. And her bad times to be my bad times.

Stewie: And when you die in 5 years and she's around 30, she'll probably forget all about you and go back to being a stripper.

Brian: You're an idiot you know, why can't you have the decency to help me out on this one.

Stewie: Woah, you're getting mad at me for trying to help you? The chick is as dumb as a wall. We both know that, she didn't take you back, twice. She married Derek and didn't even invite you to the wedding? What the hell man?

Brian: No Stewie, you're wrong, you don't know what love is

(Brian runs out of the room, slamming the door.)

Stewie: That poor damn fool, I've never seen someone in this much pain since I saw Scrooge Mcduck take his daily money bath.

*scene cuts to Stewie and Scrooge Mcduck by a vault*

(Scrooge Mcduck opens the vault and jumps on to a pile of gold coins. The coins inflict wounds on him. Blood starts pouring out of his ears.)

Stewie: Hey buddy…you doing alright?

*scene cuts back to Peter and Quagmire at behind the concession counter at the theatre*

(Peter hands a lady a tub of popcorn)

Peter: Alright Bruce, we're all done!

Bruce: Thanks y'all for helping out, here's 20 dollars.

(Peter takes the 20 dollars.)

Peter: Wow, thanks Bruce!

(Quagmire slaps Peter)

Quagmire: Peter, what the hell was that? You weren't supposed to take the money; you were suppose to ask him if we could get in to the movie.

Peter: Can't we just walk in?

Quagmire: No, that big Steve Austin looking guy is guarding the theatre.

Peter: Don't worry about it.

(Peter, along with Sylvester Stallone, Mickey Rourke and Jet Li start walking up to the big guard). The four actors are seen with walkers and canes)

Peter: Hey Stone Cold, I got your co-stars from The Expendables here and they're ready to kick your ass. Get him Stallone!

(Sylvester Stallone slowly throws a punch and the guard knocks him out. Jet Li goes to kick the guard slowly, but misses and hits Mickey Rourke.)

(The guard then punches Peter in the mouth and throws Mickey Rourke at Jet Li)

Peter: I don't care. I don't need to get through you to see the movie.

(As Peter walks away, he turns back.)

And another thing, you were in Condemned, which automatically makes me cooler than you!

(Peter sticks his tongue out and walks away)

Quagmire: Alright, plan B.

(Quagmire and Peter go dressed up as two women and confront the guard once again.)

Peter: Oh hi Steve it's Debra Marshall.

Quagmire: Hey, and I'm Jeannie Clark!

Guard: Oh my god! Debra? Lady Blossom?

Peter (using a fake voice): Uh yeah it's me. Sorry about divorcing you, can we get into this movie?

Guard: Of course I'll let you in, how's it been?

(A long silence passes. Then Peter knees the guard in the nuts.)

Quagmire: What the hell did you do that for?

Peter: So that we could get into the movie.

Quagmire: Everything was fine before we got…you know what, forget it let's go see the movie.

(Quagmire and Peter enter the theatre and sit alone)

Peter: We did it Quagmire! We got in! I just hope it was worth the trouble.

Quagmire: You know what, I don't like this seat.

(Quagmire runs down three rows and sits down)

Quagmire: Come on Peter, the views great from here!

Peter: Yeah, but Quagmire, the row that I'm sitting in has a bar that you can rest your feet on.

Quagmire: Fine, after the trailers we'll decide on the better seat. (RJ sits next to Peter)

RJ: Oh hey Peter!

Peter: Hello RJ.

RJ: Want to hear a funny story?

Peter: Yeah, sure I'll bite.

RJ: Ok, well I was about to bone my girl friend and then I asked her if we could see this movie and she told me there was no way. (Peter sighs annoyed)


	4. Chapter 4

*scene cuts to the Griffin's house*

(Brian walks into the kitchen to see M&M shells on the floor)

Brian: Uh, Jillian. What are you doing?

Jillian: Making choclate chip cookies. I just wish that putting the chocolate in the dough was easier.

Brian: Uh, ok. Well anyway Jill, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to see a movie or something tonight.

(Jillian stares at his blankly)

Brian: Jillian?

Jillian: Oh, you meant me. No, my name is Jillian.

(Jillian puts her hand out)

(Lois is heard laughing uncontrollably off screen)

Brian (dryly): Get in the car.

(Brian and Jillian walk to Brian's Prius, get in, and start driving)

(Soft giggling starts growing at the back of the car)

(Brian's eyes tighten with every second of laughter)

Brian (in anger): Damn it Stewie!

(Brian hits the brakes of the car, sending Stewie flying into the dashboard)

Stewie: Ow…bitch…Brian (in rage): Stewie get out of the damn car.

Stewie: Oh come on Brian, can I please stay with you two. Lois left Meg in charge of taking care of me today and Meg sucks. Beside's this isn't a Meg & Stewie story. If it was it'd be as funny as an Adam Sandler movie.

*scene cuts away to a overweight man with acne*

(The man is sitting at his computer typing)

Man: Dear JStormTrooper, you suck and are a bastard. Meg stories are awesome and don't suck. I only like Meg stories that involve her gaining magical powers, or her getting pregnant. So fuck off you crappy writing dweeb.

*scene cuts back to Stewie, Brian and Jillian staring at the audience*(

Brian starts reading from a stack of paper)Brian: None of the characters in any of JStormTrooper's fanfics are any of his direct opinions or any opinions of Fox or Seth Macfarlane. We value our fans and do not intend to belittle any demographic.

Stewie: And just to avoid any complaints, here is Meg's first appearance!

*scene cuts to Meg standing by a bus stop with some other teenagers*

Meg: Hi guys!

(Brian's Prius runs over Meg)

Stewie (off screen): You killed Meg! You bastard!

(Inside of Brian's Prius)

(Jillian is talking on her phone)

Brian: Fine, you can stay, but right when we get there I'm going to give you to Peter because I know that you want to sabotage my date.

Stewie: What? Me?

Brian I want to help you. You've been really miserable and you finally got your girl back. But this time I'm going to help you keep her.

Brian: Alright, but one thing goes wrong with my date and I'm going to kill you.

Stewie: Relax; you're acting crazier than Joe did when he joined the army.*scene cuts to the Jedi Temple from Star Wars*

Joe: What to do mean you're not going to use my DNA to build your clone army?

Obi-Wan: Well, we can't….it's just...

Joe: It's because I'm handicapped, isn't it? That is complete horseshit. I'm out of here. Obi-Wan: Wait, we don't have a ramp there-(Joe falls off of the building)

Obi-Wan: What a temperamental person. I was just going to say he had high blood pressure.

(Quagmire then walks in the room, with a cup in his hands)

Quagmire: If you want me to do this right, then you have to teach me have to use force choke on my penis.

(Obi-Wan sighs and shakes his head)


	5. Chapter 5

*scene cuts to Quagmire and Peter sitting in the theatre*

(Brian, Jillian and Stewie sit next to Quagmire and Peter)

Peter: Hey Brian! How the hell did you manage to get Stewie in here?

*scene cuts to a flashback of Brian and Jillian in line*

(Jillian's lower back has increased in size)

(Brian walks up to the ticket salesman)

Brian: Two tickets to Double Dees please.

(The ticket salesman looks over at Jillian and then back at Brian suspiciously)

Brian: Oh, that? Well, she's half black.

Stewie (From inside of Jillian's pants): Why does it smell like Cool-whip in here?

*scene cuts back to the group in the theatre*

(The theatre lights dim)

(Herbert, Bruce, and Pee-Wee Herman are sitting in the same row as Peter and Quagmire)

Peter: Hey Quagmire? Why are a bunch of old, gay guys sitting with us?

Quagmire: I don't know, but there are sure a lot of them.

(The movie opens with the words "Double Dee's" in big, white letters)

Peter: Get ready to see some boobs!

Quagmire: Peter, I have a feeling that we are not seeing the kind of movie that we thought we were going to.

*the scene on the theatre screen cuts to Billy Dee Williams and Dee Gordon on top of each other in a bed*

Billy Dee: Here is comes!

*scene cuts to Peter and Quagmire's faces, which are both full of shock*

Peter: OH MY GOD. (Quagmire turns to Pee-Wee)

Quagmire: Hey Pee-Wee what do you got there?

(Pee-Wee Is looking down as his hand moves in the front of his pants)

Pee-Wee: Hey Jambi!

(Peter and Quagmire run out of the movie theatre screaming)

(Brian hides his face)

Brian: Oh god! Oh god!

*scene cuts to Jillian, Brian and Stewie at a restaurant*

Brian: Its great catching up with you Jillian, I'm really happy that you've been staying with us.

Jillian: You know Brian, during my time married to Derek, I always was thinking of you.

Stewie: Ok Brian this is your chance, reach in for a kiss.

Brian: Are you sure?

Stewie: I'm surer than sure, do it!

(Brian kisses Jillian passionately)

(Jillian sits back with a look of pleasure on her face)

Stewie: See that wasn't so bad.

Brian: Wow, thanks Stewie, I guess being spontaneous at that moment was the right thing to do.

Stewie: Atta boy!

Jillian: Brian, do you maybe want to be together again, and see how things work out?

Brian: I would want nothing more.

(Brian and Jillian walk out, holding each other)

Stewie: Guys! Guys! You forgot the….

(A teenaged waiter walks up to Stewie)

Waiter: That'll be one hundred and twenty three dollars sir.

Stewie: WHAT? How is that even possible?

Waiter: The atmosphere.

Stewie: The atmosphere? We've got seats next to the garbage can and you've been playing the same goddamn song over and over and fucking over again! Yes, Taylor Swift, we fucking get it, you're in love, get over it!

(Stewie throws two one-hundred dollars bills at the guy)

Stewie: Keep the change.

**[Thank you everybody, for reading and reviewing. I hope you enjoyed reading "You, Me and Stewie as much as I did writing it. I will be sure to make more Family Guy fanfics as soon as possible.]**


End file.
